Perspectives on Narcissism

In my previous post, I talked about how important it is to love yourself. And sure enough, I once again heard confused comments about a certain figure named Narcissus. In Greek mythology, he was a man who fell deeply in love with himself and eventually starved to death because he couldn’t tear himself away from his own reflection. I remember hearing this story as a child. However, this is not the narcissism we talk about today, even though the term seems to suggest so.

This post is long. One paragraph is marked for attention. Skipping it will not affect the overall understanding of the text.

The overuse of the word narcissism

The word "narcissism" is often thrown around in different contexts, describing extremely self-centered and controlling personalities. Since I am not a therapist nor have I studied psychology, I cannot precisely define every personality type. However, my personal experience comes from dealing with someone indirectly diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by a psychologist. I lived with such a person for years. As I worked through my trauma after the relationship ended, I gathered knowledge and understanding of the subject. So, when I use the term "narcissist," I am referring to a personality disorder, not just an undesirable character trait.

To understand the discussion, you must understand the subject

Because I believe everything is fundamentally good, I want to highlight the cause-and-effect aspect of this discussion. No one is born as anything other than a baby—a small beginning of life, absorbing lessons and experiences from the environment. This is the foundation of our development. If our emotions and needs are not acknowledged as toddlers, it leaves a mark. Or worse, we develop no context for them at all. This is where narcissistic personality disorders face their biggest issue. Their self-esteem remains extremely fragile, and often, they do not develop the ability to empathize.

Am I the narcissist?

Many victims of narcissists are, at some point, told that they themselves are narcissists. If you feel and experience empathy for others—if, even now, you are reflecting on how you have treated others—take a deep breath, because you are most likely not a narcissist. Their low self-esteem requires others to be beneath them. Others' self-worth must be even lower than theirs. This is how they protect themselves from feelings like shame.

Narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t discriminate

It should be obvious to all of us that we couldn’t control the circumstances we were born into. A child under the age of five has only a few ways to express themselves and their needs. It is up to the adults to notice and respond to them. But what happens when an entire family or community experiences tragedy or trauma? Can an adult meet their child's needs when their own are in a state of emergency? We all do the best we can with the knowledge and circumstances we have at that moment. So if you feel a sting in your heart while reading this, send it love and understand that you have done your best—then, and in the future.

Trigger warning: Suicide attempt and controlling behavior

How did narcissistic behavior manifest in my own relationship? I was very young when the relationship started. I didn’t realize I was trying to heal my own trauma and low self-esteem through him. In the beginning, there were signs I didn’t understand. Controlling behavior, like escorting me to work, monitoring my calls, constantly needing to text, getting angry if I didn’t reply immediately. I felt flattered and thought he cared about me. Then came the gifts. New clothes (a different style than what I used to wear), comments about my appearance—sometimes I was too thin, sometimes too fat. He had opinions on how I should look or behave. My identity was shaken back and forth. Eventually, social control was added to the mix, creating conflicts between me and my family. I was exhausted to the point that I stopped keeping in touch with my friends. If a meeting was scheduled, he would find a reason why I couldn’t go. Even my positive achievements were turned against me. If something went wrong in his life, it was either my fault or his mother's. He was perfect; no one seemed to understand it.

Eventually, my depression reached a point where one night, I would rather have jumped off a bridge than gone home. That was the first time I ended up seeing a psychologist. It is painful to admit that I can understand those who have taken their own lives. That moment when there is only one rational thought in your mind. For me, there were two. The other said, "This bridge is not high enough." Three steps back toward home, and the reality of the situation hit me. I am someone who loves life, and in that moment, I didn’t recognize myself at all.

The initial diagnosis was burnout from working over 60-hour weeks, but the psychologist realized I had been using work as an escape from my relationship. That appointment, over 13 years ago, was the beginning of my personal journey back to myself. I don’t even remember that psychologist’s name. But I will always remember her reaction a month later during a follow-up session when I told my partner had secretly applied for jobs in another region, forcing us to move somewhere I knew no one. If that psychologist happens to be reading this, I thank you deeply for your emotional reaction to that news ❤️ That was the first time I heard the term narcissist.

The road to understanding and a better life

Many people wonder, after experiencing a narcissistic person, if the situation could have been avoided. What were the signs, and how could they have noticed them? My answer remains: Learn to know yourself. In my case, I am still processing the traumas my former partner exploited. He recognized them better than I did. And I wasn’t given the space or opportunity to work on them in that environment. Ultimately, trusting your own warning signs is the most important thing. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are trying to grow and improve yourself, but your partner only makes you feel worse and constantly reopens your wounds, turn inward and ask: What do I truly need to heal?

Can a narcissist change or improve their ways?

Honestly? If you are a narcissist reading this and notice even the smallest voice longing for change, wanting to feel and experience real love, then YES. But if you are the victim of a narcissist, the answer is NO. No one can change another person. You can try and change yourself—this is what I did. In our last year together, I took antidepressants and started to understand what was happening in my relationship. I rebuilt connections with my friends and family. I started rediscovering myself, remembering who I was. And guess what? He couldn’t handle it. Naturally, the best thing for both of us was to end the relationship. (I make it sound smooth, but it wasn’t. It was ugly. When my transformation began, his attempts at control worsened. Without medication, I wouldn’t have endured it. I was able to quit antidepressants within three months of the breakup, because the only cause of my depression had been removed from my life.)

Finally, I want to share a list used in the U.S. to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder. Many of us evaluate our relationships. Again, the best measure of a safe relationship is YOU. If you want more information on what a secure relationship looks like, I recommend following @thesecurerelationship on Instagram or reading Julie Menanno’s book Secure Love. (Not commercial marketing.) However, I want to quote her words from the beginning of the book: What does a healthy relationship look like? Many of us have wondered this. But now I want you to forget this question forever. Instead, ask yourself: "What does a securely attached relionship feel like?"

How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Is Defined

Below, I cite the DSM-IV classification criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder. According to the guidelines, a person must exhibit at least five of the following traits to be diagnosed. In the individual I describe, I recognize seven of these characteristics:

1. Exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting recognition as superior without corresponding accomplishments.
2. Being absorbed with thoughts of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Thinking one can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status individuals or institutions.
4. Needing constant admiration and attention from others.
5. Having unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with one's wishes.
6. Using others to achieve personal goals without regard for their feelings or needs.
7. A lack of empathy, being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Often feeling envious of others or believing others are envious of oneself.
9. Arrogant, Haughty Behaviors or Attitudes: Displaying arrogance or behaving in a haughty manner.

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